Glow-in-the-dark vomit

This happened last October, but I think it's worth sharing. 

It was almost midnight, and the kids had been asleep for a while, or so I thought. I was getting ready to shut down my computer after an evening of being a Facebook-whore. My wife was also getting ready to go to bed, and was putting some things away before she went to sleep.

Out of nowhere I heard my 3-year-old boy scream. It wasn't a regular I-had-a-nightmare scream, it was a someone-is-stabbing-me-in-the-face-with-a-rusty-coat-hanger kind of scream. The hair on the back of my neck stood up because I was certain someone climbed through the window and was trying to take my child.

I got up and ran as fast as a 300 lb, 4'11'' man is physically able to run. I got to the hallway that leads to both my wife/bedroom and the kids room. I had a decision to make. Do I run to get my gun first, because I am certain I'm going to have to kill the intruder, or do I just run straight in there so I don't waste time? By then, I was so full of adrenaline I was confident I could handle who ever was in there. Besides, I could always yell for Joanne and she could get me the gun while I choked this pervert in my kids room.

I busted through the door like the Kool-Aid Man, "OHHH YEAHHHHHH!" and looked around, but there was no one inside the bedroom. I did, however, see my sun sitting up in his bed, gagging, and vomiting glow-in-the-dark liquid. I was waiting for his head to spin full circle on his neck and witness him crawl up the wall and across the ceiling.

Upon further observation, I saw the glow-in-the-dark vomit all over his clothes, face, and bed. I have never been the kind of person to just freeze while something was happening. I'm usually always the first to jump into action and do what needs to be done in an emergency. That day was different though. I was not only at a loss for words, but at a loss for thought. Scarier than the glow in the dark vomit, was my not having an answer to what was happening and my child was looking to me for help. It was a horrible feeling.

After a few seconds of sitting there with my jaw on the floor, I saw one of those little glow-in-the-dark necklaces people hand out during Halloween. Turns out, my genius son snuck one of those glow-in-the-dark necklaces to bed and decided to chew on it while he fell asleep. Well, the necklace burst open and the liquid gushed into his mouth. Upon calling poison control I was informed that it was perfectly safe, with the only downside being the burning sensation when ingested.

It really is quite amazing how one can go from doing everything possible to save your child from harm, to wanting to harm his behind with a sandal for scaring the hell out of you.

'Of Dogs and Men'

A few years ago, I did some important work in Peru. I lived there for 2 years, and was able to experience enough for a few lifetimes. Life in Peru is harsh and unforgiving to say the least. Peru has a way of putting hair on your chest by multiplying the consequences of your mistakes.

An example of this is the story I will tell you. While in Peru I wasn't living in some fancy 5 star hotel in Lima, nor did I have a driver drop me off at my appointments. I had a bamboo roof, dirt floors, and rats in the rafters just like everybody else. I wore out 3 brand new pairs of the indestructible Dr. Martins shoes as a testament to not having a driver. I'm not talking about scuff marks on the shoes, or a little wear and tear, I'm talking about the soles ripping off of the leather and having to have them restitched a few times.

All right I know, you get it, it sucked. I just want to make sure you know. Back to the multiplication factor. A good friend of mine, who I will call R. Hartshorn, No, no. Rob H. Yes, that will do. Rob H. and I were in a little tiny town in the middle of nowhere called Sunampe (As a side note, the town was destroyed about a year ago by a major earthquake).

Peru has a problem with packs of rabid dogs laying waste to whatever they encounter, but Sunampe had a particularly big problem with these rabid dogs. These dogs were pretty vicious and they knew how to distract you up ahead so other dogs would take you down from behind. Needless to say, our combative American spirit always came in handy when keeping these dogs at bay.

One night after a hard day of work, we were ready to go home and get some sleep. We decided to take a short cut through this dark street we usually avoided because, well, it was dark. Right in the middle of the street there was one barley functioning light-post that flickered off and on. The light-post gave enough light for us to see a pack of dogs sniffing around and just checking things out. They had not seen us yet, so we decided to be quiet and back up slowly.

Before starting our slow, quiet walk back, I pulled my knife out to have it ready just in case. R. Hartshorn, I mean, Rob H. decided to prepare himself just in case by picking up a rock. Five seconds into our retreat, I heard the most awful expression of pain I have ever heard in my life. Before even turning to look, I was certain some dogs had circled behind us Jurassic Park style ("Clever Girl" - Dead Jurassic Park dude), and were mauling my friend.

I looked back but I didn't see anything so I turned around quickly thinking I was next, but nothing was there. Again, I hear my friend screaming in pain, and I turn around to see him on one knee trying to get up, but failing to do so, and just collapsing back onto the ground. I get so freaked out I start yelling at him "What!? What?! What the hell is wrong with you?!"

He finally gets up and starts stumbling towards the end of the street, towards a light post some distance away. I look back to see the pack of dogs take off after us. At this point, I'm already making my peace with God because if the dogs don't rip my throat out, the demon that has possessed my friend is surely going to get me too. So I have a decision to make; do I punch my friend in the face and get him to snap out of his pain-induced craze, or do I fight the dogs off while he is rolling around on the floor?

We somehow managed to lose the dogs, or perhaps the screams scared them off, I don't know. We get to the light-post, and he puts his hand in the light and it is COVERED with fire ants. The rock he picked up to throw at the dogs was crawling with ants, and he was bitten a couple of times while we were running away.

I didn't know weather to help my friend get the ants off his arm or laugh at him. His hand was swollen and red, but he was fine, besides the horrid pain he felt. That will always be one of my favorite memories about Peru.

Prince Adam of Eternia vs. Vicki the Robot

Who would win in a fight? Prince Adam of Eternia, or Vicki the Robot? These are the hard questions I face daily. Let's start with He-Man.



Straight away, He-Man loses points for the mullet. His hair is hideous. How can you kick anybody's ass rocking a mullet? I'm not saying the feat is impossible, I'm saying how could you muster up the courage to confront somebody while having the hideous hairstyle. 

Let us move on to the pink shirt. Not only is He-Man wearing a pink shirt, but the shirt is sleeveless, and he is wearing a white undershirt to boot. Come on, Son!

However, He-Man does get some points for general bad-assery. Towards the end of his theme song, he tells you he is the most powerful man in the universe, and then punches you in the face. BAM! Anybody who can punch kids in the face to prove a point gets points in my book.

As a side note, what in the hell is He-Man's friend Orco? Perhaps a Smurf with leprosy? I don't know, but he creeps me the hell out.

On to Vicki from Small Wonder.



Vicki gets point right away for deceiving us. She was a frakking Cylon! She tricked us all! If she could be this tricky, she is sure to get one past He-Man. After all, He-Man has a mullet and I think he was juicing. That is bound to have some sort of effect on the fight.

Vicki loses points for wearing the same damn dress every single day. Maybe she should have traded shirts with He-Man.

On another side note. I hope one of the kids He-Man punched in the face was Jaime, Vicki's brother. That kid got on my nerves. He was truly in need of a He-Man punch to the face.

In conclusion:  in a fight Vicki the robot would win. There has to be some psychological factor when fighting a little girl. If wounded, unlike He-Man, she could continue to function. Not to mention the shock He-Man would be in once he found out she was a Cylon.

Crayon, HDTVs, and the child that destroys joy.

The first year of our marriage, we purchased a really nice Sony television with our first tax return. It was the first time I've owned a television that,

1. Had a remote control
2. Did not require a 3rd party tool to change the channel, and/or volume (Example: pliers, wrench, duct taped screw driver)
   
3. Did not require a full 2 minutes to "warm up"
4. Did not require a firm slap on the side to correctly demodulate the signal from outer space once in a while.

My wife and I are diligently working towards our 8th year of marriage, and the television is still with us. The TV has survived a 3  year old (almost 4 next month) and a 2 year old. They have never messed with it, never been curious about it, never even put their nasty little hands on it. EVER.


Last week, I came across a really good deal for a free 37'' Panasonic HDTV if you subscribed to DirecTV for 2 years. We were already planning on subscribing to DirecTV, this deal just made it all the better. We went to HH Gregg to pick the Television up, and the sales person offered us some LCD screen cleaner for the TV. I quickly, and proudly, announced "Nah - We don't need it. We don't have those kinds of kids. Our kids behave, and know not to screw around with the television. We will be fine, thank you though".


We had kind of a long morning, and everybody took a nap except my wife who decided to pull out the TV and set everything up. We all woke up around the same time and came into the living room simultaneously. We went from our 7 year old television to a glorious HDTV. It was amazing to watch a football game on the new television. I felt like I was almost there. Amazing, absolutely amazing.

My wife left the living room for a bit, and I decided to drop a deuce. I was excited to get back into the living room where I could worship my new idol. I was like a kid who was reunited with a favorite Christmas toy. I sat down and made myself comfortable. To my horror, I see crayon ALL OVER THE SCREEN. Colorful swirls corrupting the once glorious picture I had not 5 minutes ago.


Before I even said anything, I made two tight fists, and my body goes into some kind of convulsion of anger. I start shaking, and I literally feel my face turn red. I feel my eyes are bulging out of my head from my elevated blood pressure. Also, thanks to my 3 year old's observation skills, he said "Daddy, your eye is jumping", as in twitching. He quickly said "It wasn't me!".

I knew who the culprit was. It was my 2 year old girl. I want to say that I yelled her name, but it wasn't a yell. A yell sounds too high pitched for the demonic sound I let out. It was low pitched, and I swear to Xenu it shook the earth. You know Darth Vader at the end of Episode III where Emperor Palpatine tells him Padme is dead and he lets out that low pitched howl that shatters glass and crushes metal? Darth Vader had nothing on me. 


For the first time in my life, I was so angry at one of my children that I was afraid to spank them. I had to walk away for a bit for fear of an accidental burst of force lightning shoot out of my hand, or I come to find myself force choking somebody when I come out of my rage.


Almost 4 years we have had children, and not once have they ever decided to draw on the television. And out of nowhere, my Daughter decides that the new television could use some colorful swirls all over it. I got over it in about 10 minutes, and actually felt guilty for being so harsh, but come on man!


I went back to the store and picked up some LCD screen cleaner a few hours later. And of course, the person to help me was the same person who offered me the product a few hours earlier. I felt like a complete tool.

Another near-death experience, sort of.

My two children and I decided to shop at Dick's Sporting Goods a few weeks ago. I was looking for one of those nifty water bottles that don't make your water taste like those cheap Chinese toys you get in birthday party treat bags (BPA Free Water Bottle).

We went to pay for our items, and I noticed ESPN was on all the televisions at the cash registers. Now, paying at the cash register is always quite difficult for me. Not only do I have to pay, but I need to make sure the kids don't screw around too much while I'm not paying attention to them, and I have to make sure nobody comes around when I'm not looking and starts touching my kids (Oh yeah, people do that in the South. Especially old crusty people. Gross).

As I was trying to keep track of all the things around me, and pay for my items, I heard on ESPN Lane Kiffin is leaving the University of Tennessee, (Tennessee is where we now live) and is going to be the head coach for the University of Southern California (We were born and raised in California).

I kind of chuckled to myself, and was enjoying the misery all of the Tennessee fans were going through. I did my best not to smile, but it was too hard. After about 30 seconds of listening to howls of anguish and disbelief, I noticed people were staring at me, and giving me dirty looks. I figured someone saw me smile or heard me laugh, but then I noticed. I noticed the scariest thing I have seen in a while. My oldest was wearing a USC hoodie, and I was wearing a USC hat.

At first I panicked, but then calmed myself down because I knew I was almost out of there. I knew the transaction was almost over. After looking around at all the people staring at me, I noticed the young lady that was ringing me up was glued to the TV. I started to panic again! I began to feel people's eyes staring at the back of my head. I can hear them whispering, and feel them pointing. I let out a subtle cough, as to alert the employee of my dire situation. She turned her body and began ringing me up again, but she was still glued to the TV.

After a long 60 seconds, she asked if I had a rewards card, and like a dumb-ass I said, "Yes." NO! NO! I wanted to take it back. I thought fast and I was proud of myself, I said, "Well I do, but I don't have it with me." That's it! That's it! Good job! You did it, now lets bounce before these yokels beat us down. I was so impressed with my quick thinking, and too busy patting myself on the back when she said "No problem, I can look it up for you". I said "Oh OK". What?!?! No!!!!!!! NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

After this ordeal, we were finally on our way out of the store. I thought I was a genius by saving some time and putting the cart back in the store before we went into the parking lot. I, however, did not feel like a genius when I realized the automatic door closed behind me, and I had to go all the way around to the exit, walking past all the people who were earlier trying to kill me with their eyes.

At this point I was so angry at myself it was hard for me not to be grumpy with my kids. We were half-way to the exit and I hear my youngest say "Daddy pee-pee". Without thinking, and allowing my grumpiness come out I said in a real snappy tone "No! Pee on the inside." I then heard some guy that just walked into the store, not knowing what happened before hand say "Psh. What a dick."

We made it to the car safely, and my youngest got home and was able to use the potty.

Review of Springfield's XDM 9mm

Total disclosure for you folks. I'm a HUGE fan of Springfield Armory. I think their products are top notch, and their customer service is amazing. That said, I will do my best to remain partial on my review.

Springfield took their XD series of pistols and turned them from awesome to amazing with their creation of the XDM. Simply put, this is the prettiest, most comfortable, best shooting, handgun I have ever used. Are their flaws in the design? Of course. Will you like the handgun as much as me? Your mileage may vary.

I took a brand new XDM out of the box and gave it a good cleaning. I'm sure it would shoot just fine out of the box, but you never know if debris of some sort is in the barrel or frame, so I like to check just to be safe.

I put 400 rounds of CCI Blazer Brass with zero malfunctions. The handgun performed flawlessly. The XDM shoots like a dream. The trigger pull comes in at around 5.5 – 7.7 lbs and feels clean and crisp. The ergonomics are like no other handgun I have ever fondled. The interchangeable back straps will suit shooters of all different hand sizes. Back straps come in Small Medium and Large. Those are all included with your purchase.

Pros

• Ergonomics are amazing, and can be adjusted with back straps.
  
• The XDM is a high value gun. That said, you may not need or want a match grade barrel.
• The 9mm has a magazine capacity of 19+1. If you carry an extra magazine, that is enough rounds to hold a small Somalian gang at bay until their khat high wears off.
• The Springfield Armory warranty is one of the best, if not the best in the industry.
• Excellent trigger. Very crisp, and clean. LOVE IT!
  
• The balance of the handgun is amazing, and promotes good marksmanship. Very easy to just point and shoot.

Cons

• This sucker is heavy. I carried the XDM in a Blackhawk SERPA holster, using a 5.11 Operator belt, and it STILL pulled my pants down. Granted, that might be because I have no ass. Not to mention another magazine in my pocket.
• The grip is very long. I understand it needs to be that way because of the capacity, but I'm just letting you know if you need to sit down in the car wearing this gun you are going to have a conniption
• I like simple guns, and this gun is very simple, but there are just too many internal parts for my liking. Great range gun, but in a SHTF scenario, there are too many parts that I would worry about breaking. Specifically the roll pins that hold the slide and firing pin housing together. Sometimes they wiggle out. Very easy to fix, but you don't want to have to fix that during an emergency.

The Springfield XDM is probably the best handgun I have ever used so far. It's a great range gun, good home defense gun, even a good every day carry gun if your body is built for it. However for a SHTF scenario where you might not be able to have the tools you need, or have parts at your disposal, I would choose something else.